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Friday, December 11, 2009

a funny game

A certain series of events transpired recently, has led me to realise that I have life figured out just about as much as a new-born baby who is yet to even understand anything about anything in particular.

Why do we play this cruel, sadistic game we like to call life? How does one play it? Can some be better at it than others? And what's the reward? You don't reach the ending and get a congratulatory pat on the back for finishing. You die.. So, is death the reward? Well, it can be, but death can also be cheating. Then perhaps it is satisfaction and happiness, which is always at the cost of others playing the same game. I just.. don't even know anymore.

I used to think I was mildly okay at playing this game, but someone I barely know has just completely shattered it and given me a new perspective. To be completely honest with myself, I don't really know who I am; I'm interested in absolutely everything, and nothing. I am not particularly good at school, not particularly good at music, not particularly good with my social skills, and most definitely am not good at sports. I have no hobbies, I have no talents, and quite simply, I possess no attributes that make me any different, better or worse, than anyone else, and, needless to say, this troubles me deeply. How can I have spent 15 years so unproductively? How can this search for who I am have been so bloody fruitless?

Second on the agenda, I just wanted to apologise... for everything, in a way. I've been a really horrible person. I mean, I don't go around deliberately wreaking havoc, causing pain to anyone else, but I know that I certainly haven't gone around making other's lives any better. I don't want to be 'the lesser of two evils' - I just want to be.. not-so-horrible, so;

I'm sorry if I've had the chance to help you, but I didn't. I'm sorry if I've ever made any incorrect or premature judgement of you. I'm sorry if I have let my opinion of you change the way that I act towards/about you. I'm sorry if I have ever stereotypically labelled you, and I'm sorry if I have ever thought that I was any better than you - I'm really not. I'm sorry if I have ever broken a promise to you. I'm sorry if my actions have betrayed my words, and I'm sorry if my words have betrayed my thoughts. I'm sorry if I have been dishonest. I'm sorry if I have been selfish, and I'm sorry if I haven't listened. I'm sorry if I have taken more than I've given. I'm sorry if I didn't give you the what you deserved.

All in all, I'm just sorry for being such a stuck-up douche-fag. Yeah. Illiteracy is cool sometimes, I guess.. :P

comment HERE.

i am

vivien, and i ask you to convince me of otherwise.

i'd like to be

a musician
a scientist
a thinker
a photographer
a time traveler
under the sea,
in an octopus' garden
in the shade.