I don't know why it's taken me so long to come back here.
I think it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I have learned to love my mother. I have subsequently learned to be heart-broken when the things I value are taken from me.
I find that there are harder things to come to terms with, though, like how with this new presence, will, suffering and tremendous effort in bettering my existence I find in my mother is juxtaposed against the void I associate with my father has rendered me completely and utterly afraid that I will not feel anything when he dies. His physical absence in my life inversely proportional to my emotional absence towards him.
But nobody deserves that.