For the past couple of weeks, my sleeping patterns have been completely out of phase and notoriously inconvenient for schooling life. However, this morning for no apparent reason, I woke at 4:30 and I wanted to take advantage of this blissful loneliness.

Face unwashed, stomach empty and my hair done up in a crude ponytail, I decided that I would take my dog and venture somewhere that would be momentarily untouched by human life: my driveway.

No matter how far I looked, the world was dead to me. What I could see, however, were snippets of what civilization had created for itself without any evidence containing it. It occurred to me in that moment, that nobody, not even I, had ever seen or would ever get to see exactly the same thing as what I saw then - creatures will never cease the endless cycle of life and death; birds in the sky will never take the path; cars will never be parked in the same place.

It was then that I realised that it was not freedom of choice or intelligence that put humans above other life forms, but rather an idea of change with the principle of survival underlying the ethos of our society. Creation, in its ultimate wisdom, has envisioned a matrix of infinite possibilities maintaining the progression of human consciousness.

Humans may never experience physical evolution, but what we ignore in our day to day lives, is the greatest evolution of all: the evolution of the mind. The "human" of 2008 is a very different to the human of 1908. I struggle to imagine believing, entirely, in a completely different reality - in different social norms or different modes of thought.

It is not merely the knowledge that we have gained over the years that distinguishes us from our ancestors, but is the ever changing way in which we view the world. It is what makes humans, human.

She and I sat there for what felt like an eternity.

I returned to the house, and checked the time. I had been out there for a mere thirteen minutes.

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As a side note, I'd like to mention now that I wrote this piece when I was thirteen years old. At ten days from seventeen, I read it and consider this quite the exercise in phonoaesthetics. I guess I never saw in reality exactly the same things on my drive way that morning (some might consider what I observed quite empirically to be entropy at work), but walking out onto that same driveway, I can see that picture in my mind as clear as anything.

I think it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I have learned to love my mother. I have subsequently learned to be heart-broken when the things I value are taken from me.

I find that there are harder things to come to terms with, though, like how with this new presence, will, suffering and tremendous effort in bettering my existence I find in my mother is juxtaposed against the void I associate with my father has rendered me completely and utterly afraid that I will not feel anything when he dies. His physical absence in my life inversely proportional to my emotional absence towards him.

But nobody deserves that.

The small picture is such a sad picture. Narrow-mindedness will forever be responsible for the universe of 'what-might-have-been'.

Altruism, culture, money, identity, knowledge, power, and purpose - to me, this is what falls beneath the all-encompassing scope of "what is important". With these values, I believe one can create the utmost symbiotic relationship with society - returning more than perhaps what one takes out. I don't really want that much out of life anyway, other than for people other than my own family to celebrate my existence. I want to have a speech written to introduce me one day, be it just once. I just want to made a difference, through having inspired and empowered others to make a difference.

Thus, I have been led to return to my back to my original question. What is important? How can we help others to live if we do not fundamentally know the answer to the question that we seek to teach?

Right now, I want to inspire others.

I feel like I can never be satisfied.

I hate it when others can cope with real issues.

I fear not being able to possess knowledge.

I'm lonely without mental stimulation.

Today will not change my life.

Tomorrow won't either.

I just need to know how to accomplish it all.

I want to meet someone else like me.

I'm hungry for success, privilege and power- to empower.

I love it when there is music playing.

I'm afraid of thinking incorrectly. I'm afraid of being wrong.

I'm listening to the bickering of selfish, indulgent people.

I'm wearing my most comfortable, socially unacceptable clothes.

I wish I was more human.

I want to get attention, reward etc.

I can't understand many people, or make many people understand me.

I'm nervous about failure.

My mum thinks I'm able to do it, but she's not here so she wouldn't know shit.

My dad thinks I'm existent, at the very least, I think/hope.

I'm happy when I'm not judging others.

I wish I looked like contentment.

To live the life of every single person's that has been, is and will be, is my ultimate wish.

When your secrets are all found out,

When your troubles take to mounting,

When the map you have leads you to doubt.

When there's no information,

And the compass turns to no where you know well-

When the doctors failed to heal you,

When no medicine chest can make you well,

When no counsel leads to comfort,

When there are no more lies they can tell,

No more useless information,

And the compass spins-

The compass spins between heaven and hell,

So Gorden Sumner, I thank you for your existence and the opportunity you provide for me to appreciate such lyrical poetry.

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Blog, I notice how I constantly run so pathetically to you when there is nobody else for me. I will resume normal posting/lifestyle appropriate to societal norms soon.

The ones I want to send to others might fall along the lines of:

Dear Self,

I loathe you. You are such a big disappointment, and nobody notices except me. I don't understand. You wanted so much, had such high hopes - they all seemed for certain, yet you have achieved so little, and do you know why? I'm sure you know why. You've broken every promise you've ever made to me. It's just not fair. How can you have a mind that is so capable of completing such simple tasks, yet a body that is compelled to defy everything that I want for you.

I don't understand. You're still as unfit as ever, you remain unemployable, you've yet to secure a single leadership position, and I can't even begin to express the extent to which your work ethic disgusts me. You've neglected your music, and I hate you. You're about as dull as a fish; as likable as a cow.

You're about as likable as a cow. You're obnoxiously loud, outspoken, and opinionated. Nobody notices that you loathe yourself because I don't even know if you have friends of your own. You have Zac, but only god knows why he likes you, because I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I wish you would just do as I say.

Nowadays, It's almost as if you're incapable of letting anyone near to you; incapable of seeing past what you dislike in each person to have any close friends. Why do you have to keep everyone at a distance? What is wrong with you? You don't even know where you stand in life yet. 15 years, Vivien. You don't fit in anywhere, and I can't even figure out why. You've minimal hobbies, likes and dislikes - perhaps it is just easier to live life as a stereotype. I believe they come with templates of what one will enjoy as that sort of person, and how one should act and think.

What happened to you? Has the internet really taken you away? Are you that obsessed with the hope of feedback you might get from your little status updates? That little bit of human interaction in the guise of momentary popularity?

I feel so lonely, and I hate you. It's all your fault. You could be so happy, but instead you just choose to ignore whatever I ask of you. Is it so difficult to avoid procrastination? No, don't do it later - do it NOW. Similar to how I hate you NOW. Just stop fucking around. I'm sick of your shit.

NB: Don't worry. I'm not going to kill myself, but yes, these are real thoughts. Procrastinating ruined my life.